she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize