What did we do last night that was yellow?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
