It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
