I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
