my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize