My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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