Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she looked like the before picture.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
