i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
