Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
