he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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