how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
