You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
