I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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