sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
