wrigley field is MILF paradise
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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