It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
