Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
