In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
