Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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