if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am spending my child support on dildos
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
