So drunk its hurt
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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