...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
