so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
