During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
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