cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
