your parents love me but you hate me
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
