Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
