he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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