I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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