So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
