So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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