i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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