ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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