I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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