My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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