this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
