Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She bit a glass in half.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
