oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
