One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
