all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize