upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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