I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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