i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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