I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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