My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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