I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
