My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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