I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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