What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
