living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
