literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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