I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
