OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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