I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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