omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
