just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize