it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
