Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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