my phone needs a breathalizer
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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