Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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