It's Friday. Sex?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
