So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
