I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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