So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize