dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
