We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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